Should You Fight Back?

There is a significant amount of information written about this question on the web.  There is some great advise out there and some that has not kept up with modern study and research.  Although I may come at this question from a martial arts perspective, you may be surprised to find we are not that far apart when compared to what schools and counselors seek to achieve including a zero tolerance policy to fighting.

Gichin Funakoshi, one of the founders of the modern martial arts, is often been quoted as saying:

"The ultimate aim or karate lies not in victory or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of its participants . . . to subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill."

There is no question the longer you practice an effective martial art the more competent you potentially become at being able to defend yourself.  That said, for the true martial artist, it's not about being tough and winning fights but rather about developing moral character through hard, dedicated training.  The longer you train, the more your self esteem and confidence will grow.  

I recall reading a story several years ago of an experienced martial arts Sensei (teacher) who found himself confronted by several belligerent men who had just left a bar.  The men circled the Sensei looking for a fight.  The Sensei began preparing himself mentally to defend himself.  He then thought of what advise he would have given to his students in the situation and decided to run like hell!  Was the Sensei capable of defending himself?  Of course, but he reasoned that several of the men and possibly himself could be seriously hurt.  He didn't have to prove himself and he had the strength of character to chose not to fight.

Each circumstance will dictate how one reacts to a bullying situation.  Yes, there is a time to stand up for yourself and there is a time to choose other alternatives.  When you have the confidence to defend yourself you are better able to remain calm and make the appropriate decision.  If martial arts training becomes a consideration for you or your children I will deal with how to find the right school in a later posting.

The Importance of Role Playing

In the posting on Bully Radar I noted how bullies are very effective at picking out potential victims through their body language and lack of eye contact.  Even the tone of voice can be a signal to a bully. 

Notwithstanding the various interventions parents, school officials, social services and law enforcement agencies offer the bullying victim, role-playing can provide a very important part in helping victims or potential victims to deal effectively with bullying.  Role-playing is important in teaching both children and adult bullying victims the difference between less effective or inappropriate methods versus methods that have been proven over time to work.

Role-playing should teach the difference between passive, aggressive  and assertive responses to a bully.   Role-playing needs to be age-specific just as the methods of bullies can be very different from the school yard to the office environment.

After years of teaching different age groups, we know for example that children learn best in a non-threatening, fun environment.  Learning is most effective for all ages when individuals know they are safe and supported.  Guided group discussion, supportive coaches and peers and the introduction of different scenarios in which the appropriate responses are reinforced and hard-wired can be extremely empowering and effective.  The tangible results are increased self esteem and confidence in being able to appropriately deal with bullying situations.  This often takes several sessions in which lessons are repeated and wired into learned responses patterns of behavior.

I will have more to say about the hard-wiring of specific responses to bullying scenarios in future posts including the association we have with one of the most effective training methods in North America.

The Impact of Mastery on Self Esteem

While there are many factors in the development of a positive self-image, I recall listening to an interview on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) radio several years ago in which a psychologist was discussing how we as parents can encourage the development of self esteem in our children.  During the discussion the psychologist noted the importance of the pre-teen years and the issue of "self-mastery".  


During the pre-teen years our children go through many changing interests.  The psychologist noted it is important to expose our children to different activities but we should always be observant and supportive of activities that are of particular interest when there is an opportunity to gain a sense of mastery.  This sense of personal mastery whether it be gained through activities such as soccer, baseball, hockey or a martial art is important as the child moves into teen and adult years.

Many organized sports naturally come with a competitive component; the need to be a part of and contribute to the team effort.  While this is a very positive experience for most, some children develop their social and physical skills at different rates.  This difference, for some, can cause self esteem issues if their fellow team members perceive them to be a "weak link" in the team.  Some group activities support an environment of team or group inclusion while emphasizing progress and mastery based on an individual, non-competitive basis.  


If your child is or has been the target of bullying in which their self esteem has suffered and their experience in team sports has not been a positive one, there are still many programs that will allow them to achieve this sense of mastery at their own pace while being part of a group.

Bully Radar

Bullies can have devastating effects on their victims.  The victim's self esteem takes a real beating particularly if the bully has a group of friends who take part and encourage the bully.  It raises the question of which comes first; a low self esteem or the bully causing the loss of self esteem.   Whichever comes first, bullies are very tuned to looking for weakness.  They will also target someone whom they envy or are jealous of; often craving the satisfaction of being able to emotionally hurt their victims. 

When a bully walks into a room or on to the playground they have what I would describe as a well tuned "victim radar"!  The individual who avoids eye contact or by body language indicating their discomfort with the bully's presence are quickly identified.  We need to be sensitive to the emotional damage done to the bully's victim.  Many studies are now citing the effects of bullying on the victim's long term emotional health.  If the victim does not receive help from significant others, the school and their community it can potentially affect the rest of their lives.  Regardless of how the victim has arrived at a state of low self esteem there are many things we can do. 

We need to address the bullying and ensure it stops but the issue of repairing and developing self esteem are very important considerations.   In the  next post I'll discuss some interesting observations  regarding the relationship between a sense of mastery and the development of self esteem.

Why this blog!

The decision to establish this blog has been in the works for many years.  Like most adults I had my experience with bullying in public school but in my case it ended abruptly when  the company my dad worked for transferred us to a new city.  

My youth was spent in many activities including organized sports and the scouting movement.  I was introduced to judo as a young teen and continued an interest in the martial arts as a young member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  It was in the mid 1970s I began training in the traditional Japanese Karate Association (JKA) Shotokan style of karate.  It was also a time when interest in martial arts was kindled by the Bruce Lee movies.

History repeated itself in the early 1990s when my 12 year old son was being bullied at school.  The school staff were concerned and took steps to curb the bullying but as many of you reading this post know, bullying can be very subtle; often being more psychological than physical in form.  The bullying began to take its toll affecting my son's self esteem and confidence.  I decided to look around for a suitable martial arts program that might interest my son.  At age 12 its hard to interest a youth in something that is not "their" idea so I shamelessly manipulated him with several weeks of martial arts movie rentals.  As  I hoped, he eventually approached me asking if he could try some classes.  To make a long story short, within a year he had regained his confidence and the bullying had disappeared.  My son and I started to train  together and by 1996 I had opened my own school.

I am not implying that martial arts training, in and of itself,  is a remedy to bullying.  Taught properly, martial arts can improve the student's self esteem and confidence but like any personal improvement program, there are many aspects that must be present.  In later posts I will talk about how to find the right school should you wish to pursue this avenue and other ideas for those of you struggling with the issue of bullying.

If you would like to learn more about our program, feel free to visit our school's website at:

http://www.langleykarate.com